Relationship-life-balance

Since I have moved from singledom to coupledom, I am trying to figure out this new world of ‘two’.

During my December holiday I read the book ‘Good man hunting’. From the book I got the lesson that being single is a lifestyle as well as being in a relationship. Both lifestyles have their disadvantages and advantages. Constantly comparing the one to the other becomes tedious but instead embracing each lifestyle is much more enjoyable....

Anyway, that being said it’s time for me to embrace this thing called ‘relationship’.  The first thing a couple of weeks into the relationship is something I would call ‘relationship-life-balance’. How does one manage to add this new item 'relationship' to ones already fully packed diary? I always found it an art to ensure I have a ‘balanced’ lifestyle referring to it more in the context of work-life-balance. The ideal non-work time in my mind looks like a balance between a gym routine, eating health food, having daily quiet time, at least once a week me-time, read the news daily, socialise regularly with friends, spend time with family, sleep minimum 7 hours, blog (;-) ) and either read a good book or some academic articles.

Now having entered into a relationship there is this great person in my life who I want to actually spend 24/7 with. The first couple of weeks I just threw all or most of the above over board. I figured it is fine when newly in love – everyone will forgive one, even I myself. But after a while people are less tolerant and my inner me also shouts for its routine. What now?

I didn’t even go down the road to ‘manage it all’ – too much work, too stressful. If you google the topic you will find loads of articles, links, life coaches to assist, but who has the time to go through them? I asked myself how do people who in addition have kids manage all of this? Am I being unreasonable?

photo posted by graurcodrin

I have decided to not worry about it too much. At least for the first time, I feel totally comfortable in a relationship to take my me-time, to do my things and don't have the feeling that I am missing out (because he will still be there when I'm back). I am also not trying to be 'super-woman' and manage it 'all with a smile' and getting totally exhausted. 

We talk about it, we do some of the daily routine things together....and the rest....we figure out day by day....

Young, single, professional female above 28 is looking for…?

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Back in the world of ‘single-hood’, I started asking myself, why does it seem so difficult to find Mr. Right for some and for others not? What are we looking for and what is on offer?

It is one of the trickiest questions where and how to find the right match. Those once who have found their significant other will usually share their wisdom such as ‘Mr. Right is out there, just keep on looking’ or something like ‘Just try NOT to look out for someone and you will see he will come’; ‘when you less expect it, you will find him’ or ‘you still young, you will find someone easily’ etc. etc.

Single ladies normally come together in sympathy for each other with phrases like: ‘xyz settled down just because she was desperate, I am happy that I am still waiting’ or ‘being single is the greatest thing in life, you can enjoy and be totally independent. I don’t have to compromise for nothing’

I think in all of it lies some truth but also some ways of consoling single women who are desperate.

Does desperation itself lead to making wrong choices? Do we really settle for less and are we therefore less successful maintaining a relationship? How can one keep up the morale, the willingness to take the risk of opening up and falling in love, and not move between the extremes of being an outgoing happy single and depressed, de-motivated single?

I think the most important thing is a balanced circle of friends that keep you sane,- singles and couples. Using the advantages of single-hood to be able to do many things, travel, explore, be outgoing, but also rely on what you have. I think in the fewest cases it has something to do with anyone’s personality rather then with the environment. I believe we are all beautiful and powerful beings and our nature will allow us to find Mr. Right. On those days when you loosing hope, do not hang out alone, find your friends, do something fun and be reminded that you are the most gorgeous person in your life, the main actor of your 'life-movie'.

life is good

be an optimist, be good to yourself, tell yourself something nice, smile at yourself, prepare your favorite food, take me - time, wear your favorite dress, be confident to be you, dance in the rain, pour lovely words out over yourself, spoil yourself, fall in love with who you are

just remember life is good because 'you deserve it'

Ladies Night

When guys hear 'ladies night' they get a spark in their eyes and wild fantasies creep through their minds about what women are talking about and doing during this special 'only ladies' time. Women normally have a big smile on their face and start giggling and whispering.

I recently went to a ladies night that turned out to be totally different to the once I had been to before. We designed cakes. No, it wasn't a desperate housewife club in its mid forties but a couple of tweens and early thirties ladies creating cakes. The outcome were wedding cakes / birthday cakes which would have been worth selling good money. We had loads of fun and good chats and that is what ladies nights are all about.

Any ladies night I attended in the past was great fun even if it was without a theme, just a get together, going for supper or going out for drinks and party. Maybe it's the modern way of female tribalism to exchange knowledge and experience. I wouldn't have missed one of them. Yes, I also had some strange experiences or heard some creepy things during ladies nights but the more you know about the things happening in the world the better.

Ladies, haven't had a ladies night for a while - it's time to organise one.

You need it - you'll love it - go for it!!

P.S. And just for the men who read this page...yes, @ ladies nights we talk about men, relationships, sex, flirting as much as we talk about recipes, monthly pains, sales, nail polish. We talk about our dreams, wishes and about daily life. We go out, eat, dance, drink, have fun, flirt, meet people. We laugh, giggle, sometimes cry..

Women = Chameleon in relationships

I had an interesting discussion with one of my guy friends. He ‘complaint’ about women in relationships. He said he always feels betrayed by women in relationships because women change so dramatically when they get into a relationship. My first reaction was to defend all of us ;-) and to deny that it was true and that his generalization was absolutely nonsense - but it gave me food for thought. So here a couple of my thoughts and also thoughts other people shared with me. Why do women change in relationships?

One of my married friends raised a very interesting point. He is married for a couple of years and he said he discussed it with other married friends that their wives have changed so drastically after they got married. They feel that women loose a lot of the things that in the first place actually attracted them to them.

As a counter argument I would say that everyone changes in a relationship and that people in relationships generally change. I think it is natural that one gets older, that you don’t dress up as much, that you don’t go out every weekend, that you don’t really like partying and that couples rather have dinners or host at their place.

Then, thinking about it, I actually realised that couples where both stayed relatively independent and remained very much who they were, when they met, are the happiest couples.

Another thing that guys seem to pick up is, that very independent women become ‘pleasers’ and let the guy take all the decisions – where to go out, what to eat at a restaurant etc…..

I do understand the thing of having babies and being more at home, but let’s be honest, before we have babies, and even before getting married, many women turn into a couch potato….why? Is it because we have found HIM so now we don’t have to try anymore? I know myself, once I’m in a relationship, clubs and going out does not seem to be so appealing anymore. Party and dancing, yes ok, once in a while; live music and concerts also ok…. But staying out till dawn? No thank you. In contrast, I heard from women that they feel very comfortable having a relationship and spending time together as two people. They are very ‘self sufficient’ as two people and they really don’t mind just hanging out as two, they don’t argue a lot, neither don’t work on each others nerve, they are just fine as two people. 

Here the collection of ideas collected over the last couple of weeks

• Have each your own life, your own hobbies, your own friends
• Do not fall into the pleasing trap
• Do not try to think into ‘his head’ and ‘what he likes’ and what ‘he would do’
• Insist in your choices and decisions
• Have me time – at least once a week
• Have a date with your partner/husband at least once a month
• Have a girls night out (a real one and not checking your cellphone every five minutes for an sms from HIM or going home after dinner back to the couch)
• Keep your girl friendships alive
• Don’t try to hang out at all the events/parties he does and don’t try to do everything together as a couple rather choose one or two projects/activities/hobbies that you do together
• ‘get/have’ a life

Some more ideas? Contradictions?