Reconnect

One of my New Year's resolution was to reconnect with friends and acquaintances that I have lost contact with. I have a lot of people that in certain periods of my life where close and added a lot of value but time and space did not allow to stay in close contact. 

I realised that I really enjoy it when one of them gets in touch with me. And even if it has been an eternity of not being in touch there is no remorse but happiness to hear from the person. Hence, I thought that I will commit some time this year to reconnect and instead of waiting for people to get in touch with me, get in touch with them. I made a list of names and every Sunday throughout the year I try and write an email or a card to reconnect.

After almost two months I have to say the outcome is amazing. The great thing is that most of these friends found themselves in the same situation. The reason for not being in touch was simply 'life happens'.

It is beautiful to hear people's life stories, what has shaken up their lives and what has changed and where they are now. It is nice to know that these friends still exist and that once you get talking, things between you seem like 'back then'. It might happen that another year or two will go by until you chat again or maybe even see each other BUT the nice thing the contact has been refreshed.

So this is an encouragement - RECONNECT! Be in touch with an email, a call, a Facebook note or Skype greeting. I promise you it will make you feel good. You will not only feel reconnected with old friends but reconnected with the world.

Energizers

When the day at the office seems endless and the to-do-lists get longer, it's time for a little energizer. No, I am not talking about a specific cool drink but about little things that can help to take the burden off our minds. Below a list of things that take you five minutes or less and will give you that little bit of energy to get though the next few hours.

• Breathe - Just breathe deeply in and out for one minute while looking out the window.
• Allow yourself a little treat - when we are snowed under we also burden ourselves with the guilt of not allowing ourselves to have this one piece of chocolate. Nonsense, if that is what will give you a little boost, have the chocolate, sweet, ice cream, ....
• Take a five minute break - get up from your desk, go to the bathroom or kitchen - just for a moment. Then, go back to your desk and instead of diving back into the one thing that stresses you out the most, take a look at the things at hand. Give yourself a pad on your shoulder for the things completed and have a realistic look at what is still to come. Is it really as bad and overwhelming as you think?
• Save three funny pictures in your mailbox - when you need a booster, look at them. The smile will give you a little kickstart. Alternatively, keep an email, photo or letter close by that gives you a warm feeling (e.g. from your partner or a very good friend). Words that gave you a real ego-boost when you received them. Read them again.
• Have two glasses of ice water.

P.S. The following lines are more a 'on the side' note, but maybe worth a thought. Everyone will be able to do one of the above even when you extremely stressed out. The truth is, sometimes we do not really want to let go of the stress. The stress attached to certain things and even the complaining and feeling low is often also something that keeps us going. A lot of work and stress makes us feel needed and important. And only if we super stressed, the colleagues at work will believe that 'our work' is extremely important. Being stressed assists in focusing on one specific thing and justifies why not looking at other things.

Wishing you an imperfect Christmas

It is just about time for the Christmas festivities to start. You might probably be too busy to read this because you also are preparing the Christmas meal and wrapping the last presents. Like busy bees we women tend to run around in the shops, clean our homes and prepare the decoration to make it the perfect occasion. It is Christmas after all.

It is often us who put all our efforts into this evening/day. We work hard, exhaust ourselves and the smallest issue will upset us. In all the rush trying to make it perfect, I would like to propose to all of you - pull the breaks. Take it slow this Christmas. Being in the moment, spending time laughing and listening will most likely make this day a memorable one. If one of the dishes is a 'ready-made-warm-up meal', the serviettes are folded the wrong way and at the last minute you see that the stain on the table cloths has not come out from last year - relax. Who cares? It is those imperfections that actually makes one remember. Creating a relaxed atmosphere will make it an unforgettable and special occasion for everyone.

Have an enjoyable and merry Christmas - and a happy holiday season.

Time or no time...

Time has become such a precious commodity and I often wonder if I apply it in a wrong way. I came to think about it when I was trying to fit more reading time into my schedule. My job requires me to be on top of the national and, best case scenario, also on top of international news, read newspapers and online news. At the same time I should keep myself on top of relevant content matters by reading academic literature on various topics. Besides that I do like reading fiction and novels. In total I maybe get 5% of the above mentioned done and I am wondering why. 

I started wondering about time. I am not a busy working mom with three kids and a household. I am not even married yet, no dependents or other duties, besides my job. I have a relationship. I try and live a balanced lifestyle, exercise and eat healthy, hence cooking at home. I enjoy socialising (moderately and not all the time) and at the same time also have some me-time. I spend time with my family (at least over Skype), I intend being outside in nature when I can and I like writing (hence the blog). And I obviously have the normal daily life things to do like doctors, admin, bank etc...that is pretty much it and I would argue that is still less than a working mom has to pack into a week. Why do other people seem to get it all into their schedule?

I debated this topic with a friend of mine and she added another interesting spin to the debate. She mentioned that we tend to say things like ‘I am going to just quickly...’ or ‘tomorrow I am just going to...’. The term ‘just’ does not really work. Everything takes time, and mostly more time then ‘just’ justifies. ‘Just’ doing the grocery shopping, takes at least a minimum of an hour even if you the most focused shopper in the world considering that you have to include driving there, filling the cart, queuing, paying, loading your car, get home and unpack...’ So, many things that we think we can do ‘just quickly’ can actually take up half days.

I also don’t want to end up scheduling my whole life – 15 minutes for this, 1hour there and plan my whole week like an office diary. I like living, being, enjoying. Is it the signs of the times that make us think we have to do all these things? Or are these our own internal pressures? Will it be true that in twenty years, not gold or money will be the most valuable things, but time and nature?

I do not know how many of you know the book Momo by Michael Ende. It is a children’s story also talking about time. In the book grey men come to take over the world. They smoke cigars and those cigars are made out of time/hours of people. So, if you stop caring, socialising and only dedicate your time to work, work, work, you save time and they live it. It is a scary thought, but I often feel there are grey men in my life 'smoking up' my time.

How do you deal with your time?

Mother and daughter

Travelling with my mother made me think of writing something about her and me. Being in my thirties I found that the interaction with my mother has reached a very interesting phase.
When I was a child she seemed like the know-it-all saint, to then become the main enemy during teenage years and to reach a more balanced view in my twenties when a mature and adult relationship emerged. It seems that in my thirties the process of relationship formation with my mom has come to its heights.
Now being at the stage of full adulthood deep appreciation for her efforts and her energy invested in me and my siblings are on the forefront. She is an amazing woman.
Observing her, I can see her traits in me. I have similar gestures, expressions and behaviours. I am proud of a few and hope to manage life as well as she did/does. However, her being close to sixty some of her attitudes and characteristics are very prominent. They stand out and are sometimes annoying to me or people around. In those moments I think that I don’t ever want do this like her or be like that. It is not a degradation of the great person she is but a critical engagement and reflection. It also entails the hope that this reflection will assist me to really take a different route where I think necessary. In many instances, however, it will not work. Interestingly, the older one gets the more we become like our parents. We often are just a slight adjustment to who they are.
When I was at university I had to write an essay about myself being an inter-generational buffer for my family. This term basically means that I am the sum of my ancestors, my grandparents and my parents lives and I am like a funnel through which a new generation, a new mix evolves. Consciousness about this enables me to decide what parts of the mix I want to transfer to future generations BUT some of the parts will subconsciously and naturally be transferred to future generations.
Writing this reminds me to be patient in moments of irritation with my mother because I will wish to get this grace and patience from future generations as well. It is owed to her as she has more than gracefully earned it. It also calls on me as a daughter to be reflective and memorize those things that irritate me and not forget how I felt in my twenties/thirties when one day I reach that age and future generations are irritated with me.

Making others smile

The latest thing I bought for my car are 'eyelashes'. Those are some black plastic lashes pasted above the headlights. What I didn't expect is the effect those 'car-eyelashes' would have on the world around me. People smile and hoot, children wave - and the feedback is age-, race- and genderless. Even the guys who beg for money at the traffic lights. It's just black plastic. It made me think that we often underestimate that it takes very, very little to bring a smile to someone's face ;-).

An explanation for love

Love is the only virtue that can satisfy a person's need to connect with the world and at the same time keep his/her integrity and individuality (Erich Fromm: Discovering the love for life). Love is the unity with another person and at the same time the realisation of the ‘I’ and the integrity of self.

I believe this description of love explains the difficulties we often face in relationships. Major conflicts in relationships often arise because one person is not able to maintain integrity and individuality or because one of the partners does not feel the ‘oneness’ as the result of a strong connection within the relationship.

My mother used to describe relationships in a very simple way. She said that each of our individual lives could be seen as our own garden that we have to take care of our whole life. We plant our own seeds and are responsible for it to bear fruit and to blossom. In a relationship another garden is added, a joint garden of the two people who enter into the relationship. The art is to be a good gardener for both gardens – the joint and the individual one. How do you make sure that your flowers blossom, the garden is watered and there is no rampant growth of weeds in both gardens? Modern life makes it very challenging to find a balance. It is easy to get distracted and only work on the one but not the other. Ones work can take up so much attention that the joint garden has to be neglected. Children as fruits of the joint garden can become the centre of attention so that the own garden is overlooked. I think it is impossible to be a good gardener for both at all times but I think being conscious about the existence of those two spaces might make it easier to understand why we often struggle.

There is another feature that I think specifically women have to look out for - One cannot manage the joint garden alone. Even if you put all your energy and effort in, the other party needs to give as well. You need to allow the partner to be a gardener and contribute.

This practical picture of gardens frames for me the by Erich Fromm outlined tension of love as mentioned in the introduction. Romantic relationships are only one example of relationships where the explanation of love applies in our lives but I think those are the most challenging and closest to most of our lives.

Freewill or fate? - the Adjustment Bureau

When something goes wrong who do we hold accountable? God or any other higher power, ourselves, our fellow humans? Is it a pre-designed plan or can we influence our fate with something called our freewill? The movie 'The Adjustment Bureau' with Matt Damon and Emily Blunt those intangible concepts receive a tangible outfit in form of the 'adjustment bureau' and the 'chairman'.

Watching the movie I thought about the way life pans out and how often do we say 'things happen for a reason'? A good friend of mine often said to me 'the choices you make in life is the life you lead'.

Making choices involving our full energies, intelligence - emotional, rational and social - carefully weighing up all the options are those choices that influence our individual lives greatly and often also the lives of others.

I hope you have a chance to watch the movie, it is a good one.

What I took home from the 'Women in philanthropy network lunch'

I recently attended a 'Women in Philanthropy network lunch'. I'm always very critical of organised 'only women' events. Not that I don't like to hang out with 'my girls' alone but I prefer gender mixed events. But I was intrigued by this idea of meeting with like-minded individuals and a lunch in good company can never do harm.

The lunch was held in a very lovely coffeeshop (Oways) which gave the event a nice setting. It turned out to be amazing food and amazing food for thought. The speaker was Wendy Appelbaum who can account of good amount of years in philanthropy work. 

I really like the things she shared and hence, going to share with you what I took home from the lunch. Firstly, here one of many definitions of 'philanthropy':

The word comes from Latin philanthropia, from Greek philanthrōpia, from philanthrōpos loving people, from phil- + anthrōpos human being. It describes the effort or inclination to increase the well-being of humankind, as by charitable aid or donations and/or also seen as  love of humankind in general.

Philanthropy is a old world which has in recent years gained popularity as it stands for a more developmental, self-help and sustainable approach to assistance than charity and welfare.

Considering Ms. Appelbaum's many years of involvement in philanthropic activities, she shared some general things that she believed could be important.

Firstly she emphasised the importance of integrity and honesty, basically saying, stand up for what you believe in and be comfortable in your skin.

Secondly, she said: "I'm involved in this type of work, because I believe in it and not because I feel guilty. And also because I can afford it."

Mentors are crucial in order to learn and grow; so think carefully who are your mentors in life or who could be one for you.

And lastly she presented the difference between philanthropy and charity to show why she believes in philanthropy (and not so much in charity). Philanthropy focuses on the bigger picture, finding solutions to massive social problems, empowerment and sustainability. It is all about looking into the root causes and finding solution. Philanthropy tries to look into the future and beyond tomorrow. Charity in contrast operates like band-aid for today but does not really involve the future or the long-term solution. Charity might bring quicker results and photo opportunities but a philanthropic approach will make a difference in the long-run.

Besides these great thoughts, I discovered another lovely coffee shop and had a couple of very interesting networking conversations.

Life and death - live the moment

Death is not really something I like to hear or talk about but is an integral part of our lives. Just today, I received an email from a good friend telling me that his closest friends and me about the passing of his mother. As I am far away from where he lives, I was not aware of her sickness and the email came quite as a shock to me. I guess many of us have experienced moments like this one.

When I find myself confronted with a sad message of the significance to appreciate life. It is those moments when I remember that the essentials in life are very simple: living in the present, appreciate every moment of your life, be at peace with your environment and the people around you. I often find myself caught up in unimportant things, worry about the superficial and forget to focus on relationships and people rather then things.

Relationship-life-balance

Since I have moved from singledom to coupledom, I am trying to figure out this new world of ‘two’.

During my December holiday I read the book ‘Good man hunting’. From the book I got the lesson that being single is a lifestyle as well as being in a relationship. Both lifestyles have their disadvantages and advantages. Constantly comparing the one to the other becomes tedious but instead embracing each lifestyle is much more enjoyable....

Anyway, that being said it’s time for me to embrace this thing called ‘relationship’.  The first thing a couple of weeks into the relationship is something I would call ‘relationship-life-balance’. How does one manage to add this new item 'relationship' to ones already fully packed diary? I always found it an art to ensure I have a ‘balanced’ lifestyle referring to it more in the context of work-life-balance. The ideal non-work time in my mind looks like a balance between a gym routine, eating health food, having daily quiet time, at least once a week me-time, read the news daily, socialise regularly with friends, spend time with family, sleep minimum 7 hours, blog (;-) ) and either read a good book or some academic articles.

Now having entered into a relationship there is this great person in my life who I want to actually spend 24/7 with. The first couple of weeks I just threw all or most of the above over board. I figured it is fine when newly in love – everyone will forgive one, even I myself. But after a while people are less tolerant and my inner me also shouts for its routine. What now?

I didn’t even go down the road to ‘manage it all’ – too much work, too stressful. If you google the topic you will find loads of articles, links, life coaches to assist, but who has the time to go through them? I asked myself how do people who in addition have kids manage all of this? Am I being unreasonable?

photo posted by graurcodrin

I have decided to not worry about it too much. At least for the first time, I feel totally comfortable in a relationship to take my me-time, to do my things and don't have the feeling that I am missing out (because he will still be there when I'm back). I am also not trying to be 'super-woman' and manage it 'all with a smile' and getting totally exhausted. 

We talk about it, we do some of the daily routine things together....and the rest....we figure out day by day....

First date

The other day I went on a so called 'first date'. It was quite exciting considering that I cannot remember when I went on a classical first date. The guy choose the restaurant and we met there. (I don't want a guy to know where I live neither rely on him to drive me when I don't know him well). It was a nice place and I felt the act of inviting me out for dinner was really great. It is kind the classical thing that one sees in Hollywood movies, but honestly, it hardly ever happened to me before.

Most of my dates in the past were either guys I already knew or was already dating. Those dates were also really nice, but I think there is something special about first dates with someone you hardly know but you are interested to get to know.

Firstly, it's about the question should I be first or should I be late? I think it is nicer if he is already there, but then my friend told me that she prefers to be first, so she doesn't have to look out for the person.

The first part of the conversation was a bit slow; awkward. The choice of food: Do you order a starter or not? What to eat? 

I know that ultimately one should just be oneself and behave as one always would in a restaurant...but I think everyone would like to make a good impression and even if it will be the only date with that person, one wants to be remembered as the 'nice' one.

The walk to the bathroom: you know he is going to watch you and also watch you come  back towards the table. I then feel like being on the catwalk.

After the dinner, does one order dessert?

At least I managed this time to not even take out my wallet and say anything about paying. It was difficult as I am used to at least offer and in most cases to pay actually half, but I didn't say a word (besides thank you afterwards) and I think that was the right move.

I have to say all in all, luckily the guy turned out to be also nice...so the conversation was good and fun. Generally , I have to say, it is very beautiful to go on a date. I felt like a lady and it is definitely a self-esteem boost.

DIRTY THIRTY

A friend of mine turned 30 this week and her theme for the year ‘welcome to the dirty thirty’.

Myself being almost two years into my thirties, I have to say, the thirties are really great. You are old enough to do anything you like. You also have the money and decision making power to do all the things you like AND you do have the maturity to actually NOT do all the things you could be doing.

I think it is pretty amazing. In the job world you can start relaxing. You don’t have to compete all the time and proof that YOU CAN. You have learnt that most of the things take time and a little patience and that they will eventually come right. You have cooled off your initial ‘I will save the world idealism’ but you know where and how you can make a difference around you.

You are able to tell your family when you need your time off but at the same time you appreciate having a family and you accept that nobody is perfect – including your parents.

Ok, I won’t comment on the relationship things because I’m still single and most of my other friends are married. Maybe I can make a comment for a single lady in her thirties; it’s awesome. I can just re-phrase what I said above - 'You are old enough to do anything you like. You can try all the things you would like to AND you do have the maturity to actually NOT do all the things you could be doing.'

Happy Thirties to all of you who are in it! Enjoy it, they won't come back.

Online dating

This is a new thing I got into. I am still on leave and have lately heard some of the ‘success’ stories of people who met others through the internet. Me being such an internet addict anyway, thought to myself – why not? It’s not the first time I thought about it. I think I have created a profile a couple of months back but that was more out of desperation to find someone, now it’s more about exploring a new way of dating.

After a week of getting into it, I think I have gotten a fairly good understanding for myself how it works and what are the limitations but also the advantages. The one awkward thing is that you are almost online shopping for a man. You create your profile and share all these things about yourself mostly by ticking of categories set up by the dating site. Then you do the same for your ‘match’ also again through ticking of categories about things you want the person to have or be like. This then also includes a rating, how important each criteria is to you.

First, I created the profile and ticked all the boxes. Then, I looked out for possible ‘matches’ and that works through the database which spits out who is a ‘match’ for you from a 100% match down to any percentage you can imagine.

I guess everyone does browse through some photos, reads profiles of others and explores how to contact others. I have to say, some of them are hilarious (without being judgmental). It’s really fun to see what people put out there and the courage some people have. I was surprised how many people like just write up a couple of lines basically saying, if you interested, let’s get talking. Most people don’t have the illusion that you will really meet Mrs. or Mr. Right on the site but that it’s just another way of meeting people.

I had one date so far...not spectacular, but ok, however, there won’t be a second one. I will keep you posted on further developments, but I can only encourage, try it out and don’t be scared, most people are actually as normal or as crazy as you and I.

Happy 2011

It has been quite a while since I shared my ‘widsom’ ;-) with all of you but I didn’t know what to write about so I left it. (if there is any topic you would like to read about, you welcome to write something or inspire me for a topic). Anyway, lets see what the year 2011 hold for me and this blog.

Just on the site, for the singles reading this, I read a very interesting book, it’s called ‘Good man hunting’ and it is a fiction novel of a thirty something single woman in Australia and her friends. The author shares their experience of love, life, relationships, loss and wins etc. through short 3 to 6 pager write ups . I wouldn’t give it a literature award but was an easy and relaxing holiday read. The only thing that bugged me from time to time was the fact that the short stories and experiences were so real in terms of real life that it was almost painful reading it. It was like ‘yeah right, this is how life goes and so what is funny and interesting about it? So, life is really how you, me and all the other people experience it every day?’. Anyway, for the ones close to me, you welcome to lend it from me.

Otherwise, 2011 has begun in full swing and here in SA it’s boiling hot and an amazing summer season especially if you are still on holiday. I wish all the women (and men) who read the stories on this blog a great year 2011. I hope you all will be able and happy to enjoy every moment of your life, live life to the fullest and maybe adopt a bit of my new life philosophy ‘Whatever works’ after the same titled Woody Allan movie. ;-).