The only measure of success is how well we cope with disappointment

The title of this blog entry is also based on the film 'The best exotic Marigold Hotel' which I mentioned at the end of my last blog entry. I find it a highly interesting statement offering a new perspective. Our success in life is usually measured against material things like income, house(s) and cars or against achievements in our career. 

The title, in contrast, indicates, that those things do not matter, but instead how well we manage if we do not achieve our goals and dreams. How satisfied and happy will my life be if I never own a house and a big car? How can I still go to work with a smile every day if I am not nominated for the promotion?

Besides those more materialistic success, this sentence challenges us to find success by finding coping mechanisms when the toughest situations in life hit hard.

What if a very close friend of yours will not make it to your wedding? What if you realise after 30 years of marriage that it has not been working for the past 15 and it will not be working anymore and your dream of 'happy ever after' crushes right in front of you?

What if your best friend betrays you or you discover your child is stealing from you? What if you find out that your life savings are gone due to a wrong investment or that your health will not allow you to ever go on the overseas trip you have been dreaming about your whole life? 

Tough questions, no easy answers. However, the sentence challenges us to accept that real success is not about the things that go right and the things we do well. It is actually about all the failures, mistakes and tragedies in life. The tools and ways we find to cope with those and overcome those are the true success stories of our lives. 

 

Let faith not fear guide your actions

This sentence stroke me during a telephonic conversation with a friend. Fear is such a dominant factor in our daily lives and I would argue that many of our decisions are based on our anxieties. 

There are the big fears such as loosing a loved one or being retrenched but there are even more more smaller fears that determine our days. There is the fear of not looking good, gaining weight; the fear to be judged by colleagues and neighbours; the fear of not being a good mother, sister, wife, or daughter; the fear to get old and to be lonely; the fear to fail, the fear of not being able to relax and the fear of not being a good friend.....

I think we all could continue this list endlessly.The sentence 'let faith not fear guide your actions' sounds like something that could hence be relevant for many of us.

Some of you that do not practice any religion might ask the question - faith in what? Let faith not fear guide your actions is not only something for the religious but actually asks us to be more trusting in life. A simple metaphor is the trust that the sun will rise again. Trust that things will be ok (again) and that you will be the best you can by just being you. Being ruled by fear takes away our ability to enjoy life and to take decisions that we are happy with.

I do acknoledge that it is not an easy task to overcome fears. However, if you look at it from the perspective that life proofs day in and day out that things will be 'ok' again - maybe sometimes in ways we don't appreciate at first or don't want to see - but pain and disaster is never endless. Fears do not help to improve any situation either but add additional pressure and result in bad decision making patterns.Fears do not take away the unpredictability of life. Faith instead assist in a positive outlook on things. It frees up your mind and allows an optimistic-realistic perspective.

Having watched the movie 'The best exotic Marigold Hotel' provided me with a great closing sentence for this blog entry. Judi Dench, in the role of a pensioner in India, said towards the end 'the only real failure in life is the failure to try'. So don't let fear make you surrender to the 'only real failure' but let faith make you rather 'try' and experience what you think is right.

I would like to dedicate this and the past entry to a very dear friend of mine who inspired me and continues to do so in many areas of my life.

Progress not perfection

One of my friends recently shared the expression 'progress not perfection' with me. The conversation was awesome and I would like to share it with you.

I am someone who has her goals set and aims to reach them as soon and best as I can. In some instances that process works great but in many instances it can become demotivating if the goal is not immediately achievable and seems still far. In such situations I get frustrated and upset. 

Instead of looking into the progress made, appreciating each step and lesson learnt, I focus on the goal.
 

I will share a very recent example. I signed up for an online course to learn mindful eating on my new favourite blog zenhabits.net . The idea of the course is that you create the habit of mindful eating. You start step by step and try to eat one meal a day mindfully for a week, then move along to eat mindfully and healthier to then get by the end of the month to the point that everything you put in your mouth will be done in a mindful.

After three weeks on the course I just managed to have one meal a day (and not necessarily the entire meal) applying the mindful eating habits. I got upset with myself and looked for all the things I am doing wrong and badly. Which almost got me to give up.

Looking at it from the 'progress not perfection' point of view assisted to actually appreciate my achievement. Mindful eating and mainly eating slowly has not been part of my eating behaviour for almost 33 years of my life. Why do I expect of myself to master it within three weeks? I then realised that the progress made was actually quite amazing. I had started to break a habit which for years I had not been sure how to break. 

I listed all the little successes that come with the mindful eating of one meal a day. This list helped me to see that I am on a good path and that I am doing well. This again then helped me to continue and to try it every day over again.

I think we tend to be quite hard on ourselves when we don't achieve our goals. Being hard on ourselves does not help and has often rather a negative effect. I want to encourage you to look out for the progress made during every step of your path. In this way, you will also be able to analyse your lessons learnt during the process. You can celebrate you courage, your strength along the way of change. If you only do it in the end, it will not last long. If instead you celebrate each step towards it, you will remember the failures and the successes and it will grow your confidence.

Share your story of progress not perfection.

Live life guilt free

I know I have made this point a couple of times on this blog, but the other night I received a little bit of a prep talk from my housemate and I thought I should share it with you.

Most of us spend a lot of time trying to be the best we can. We try to eat and live healthy, have a fantastic relationship, be informed, be a super employee/manager and some of us also super mothers. We think about what is best for us and the people around us and we worry if we are doing the right things.

It can at times be very confusing to know what is right or wrong, what is healthy, what is appropriate for the kids, etc.

I don't want to discourage you to keep yourself informed and continue to be on top of things, however, I do think it is also important to sometimes just take a breather and to just be. And I think if you overall a person that is conscious about life, it is also ok to just let go, to allow yourself the portion of fries, the ice cream, a lazy Sunday of doing nothing (not in the house and not socialising). Throw your guilt over board and just be. If you are in touch with yourself you won't do anything that really harms you in any ways but it will allow you to just BE.

You are a beautiful person just as you are -without applying any rules, regulations and most importantly without feeling guilty.

Embrace your beautiful self.

Savour your day

I am sure all of you know those days when everything goes wrong. You wake up and the clothes you put on have a stain, you spill your coffee, you forget your office keys, there is an accident on the route to work and you arrive late, you forget to save your document that you are working on and your PC crashes....and the day just becomes a series of dramatic events. You feel like the whole world is against you and you wish you could just hide in your bed under your duvet.

But do you also remember the days when everything goes right? I recently had two of those and it was amazing how everything just worked out. It took me by surprised. These were days with a lot of potential for things to go wrong with tight timelines, many different appointments and things to do.

I felt truly thankful in that moment. I realised that actually the majority of days are days where most things go ‘right’ but we don’t register those. It is actually nothing extraordinary when things go smooth. After this experience I noticed many more of these moments. It made me walk through my say more appreciative. I suppose it is important to savour days and moments that go perfectly right.

Miss Mercy Forgiveness

Once upon a time there was this beautiful lady with the name Ms Mercy Forgiveness. She was very ladylike, when she moved through a place she seemed gliding across the room and her face had soft and round features. She was overall a person with a very pleasant appearance and wherever she appeared strange things happened.

One day she was invited to a wedding of friend of hers. The parents of the bride did not approve the husband to be because they felt he was not good enough for their daughter. Ms Mercy Forgiveness arrived at the wedding looking fabulous. She mingled in the crowd and finally made her way to the bride’s parents. She greeted them, chatted to them for a while and excused herself to have some food from the incredible buffet.

Just a few moments later something incredible happened - the parents approached their new son in law and within a few minutes people saw the unexpected, the parents and the son in law where hugging each other with tears in their eyes.

Wherever Ms. Mercy Forgiveness appeared similar things occurred. Another story that people tell each other is about two siblings fighting over the inheritance of their parents and only speaking to each other through lawyers. Ms. Mercy Forgiveness was friend with both of them but didn’t see them for a long time. It happened that she bumped into both of them and invited them for dinner to her house. At the end of the dinner you could hear laughter and joy from her house and people were wondering if those were these the same siblings that have been fighting for years.

These and many more stories took place when Miss Mercy Forgiveness was around. People started to wonder how she did it. When someone asked her, so how do you do this? She just said ‘What do you mean? I just talk to the people and I listen to them. I do nothing else.’

The strange part about knowing Miss Mercy Forgiveness was that people would not necessarily miss her. When people had their arguments and fights among each other they were convinced that their point of view was right, Miss Mercy Forgiveness was not called for. People only appreciated her after she spoke to them and they actually managed to sort out their arguments. As she really liked the people in the little town she lived in she made a point of visiting many of them and listening to their stories.

Unfortunately, not everyone was able to accept her just for who she was. There was a group of people that would just make her life difficult. They would say nasty things whenever she appeared or they would just ignore her. They would laugh about her and say ugly things about her. She never defended herself. She only quietly disappeared and became participated lesser and lesser in the social life of the town.

This meant that many conflicts, especially of the ugly big ones, remained unresolved. It reached the point when she would only go out and speak to people if she had been invited......Difficult times lay ahead of this town.

So how does this story end? I don’t know. But it seems like worthwhile to invite Miss Mercy Forgiveness to your place and you might find out.

When men and women are lost in translation

Last week, I caught myself in a real women-men misunderstanding. I noticed once again, men and women do truly speak two different languages. It was one of those situations where I stated three options for him to chose from. He did - and he chose the wrong option. Deeply upset and hurt I made cattish comments.

He looked at me with a big question mark in his face.

In that moment I did not understand how he could have chosen that option. The option which I absolutely disliked. Upset and aggrieved I failed to see why we had this misunderstanding.

Why was it so difficult for him to know what I really wanted? Why was he not able to know what the right options was? Does he not know me well enough?

These are just some of the thoughts that went through my mind. Now, a few days later I can actually smile about it. Situations like this make it quite obvious why men often think that we women are dam complicated. We say something but mean something else. We give three options but we only want them to chose THE one option. I'm sure all of you can name an example when something similar has happened. And even the most academic and elaborated person will find herself in situations like this.

Expectations are set high in many statements we make. It sets him up for failure. One way to work on it is to try avoiding statements loaded with expectations. I often find it difficult to say what I really mean and want as a lot of information, emotion and thought  mixes up in my head. When I put out three options, it is pretty clear to me why only THE one option is the right one. Just saying it as it is in the literal meaning of the words/phrase will help a lot to improve the 'inter-species-communication' between men and women.

Are we all suffering from ‘commit-litis’?

I recently organised a social get together. I got people to confirm their attendance and then last minute 50% sms, email, bbm that they will unfortunately not be able to make it. I wasn’t very surprised. I took note of all the messages and yet enjoyed the time with the rest of the people that attended.

The next morning, I woke up thinking about the nice evening and wondering how it would have been if the others had pitched. Was I disappointed? Yes, but not too much as these last minute cancellation messages have become business as usual for any social event or gathering where only loose commitments are required. I know this, because I have done it myself: confirm or confirm with a maybe, but to then send the famous message ‘sorry, won’t be able to make it’.

Thinking about commitments and social events I think one could put people in four categories:

Over-committers: are the ones that jump on any band wagon and are always full of excitement. When you tell them about any of your ideas and plans, they will find it fantastic and sign up for it even before you have finished the sentence. Unfortunately, those types are the ones that end up cancelling many of their prior ‘commitments’. There are only 24hrs in the day.

Never-committers: They are the other extreme. They always listen carefully when social events are discussed. They will also respond to emails to say ‘I will let you know’. They are the ones that enjoy surprising people when they show up spontaneously. They always keep their options open. They are the type that constantly check their phones and never stay longer than an hour at any event.

Keep it to the last minute committers: This type of committer confirms up till an hour before the event that he/she is coming. They normally also the ones asking the most detailed questions about what to bring, how to get there, what clothes to wear, what not to do and who else will come? If you ask the person after answering all these question – ‘so will you come’ the person will strongly confirm. You can be rest assured shortly before the event or when the event has just started you will get a message. ‘Sorry can’t make it...’ and a dramatic story will follow.

Keep it as it is committers: This type is a dying out species. When they say ‘yes’ they mean it and they come. When they say ‘no’ they won’t come and when they say ‘maybe’ they ‘maybe’ come.

So what makes it difficult to keep commitments? Are we all suffering from ‘commit-litis’? Is it a sign of the modern times governed by e-technology, cellphones and the internet? Or is the term commitment just outdated and overrated?

I looked up the definition of commitment. Number one was ‘an obligation, promise, etc. that restricts one's freedom of action’ This definition certainly sounds like the license to get out of any type of ‘commitment’ if commitment really means it restricts one’s freedom of action. Number 2 read ‘the official consignment of a person to a mental hospital or prison’. This definition is another good reason to not commit – you are crazy if you do so. ;-)

The following ones are those ones that refer to the type of commitment I am talking about – the simple act of saying ‘yes’ to an invitation or event and to stick to it.

‘The act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action.’ ‘The trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose’

These last ones sound pretty cooI and I actually don’t think commitment itself is outdated. I think most of us are longing for this ‘sincere’ and ‘steadfast’ promise even for the little things such as a friend really pitching for the birthday party; the kept commitment to really call/email/sms when promised, the commitment to make time to talk....

It is interesting that we are the generation with more leisure time in comparison to hours at work than any generation before us, but we seem to have the most difficulties to manage our free time. We are constantly stressed and don’t know how to manage our social calendars, hence the lack of know-how to make or keep commitments. The fact that the number of people we meet during our lifetimes has increased exponentially in comparison to previous generations is another factor contributing to ‘commit-litis’. The internet and social media surely adds to the fact that our connections are not only far more but also geographically spread.

It seems we have just too many choices and too many connections to take care off. The constant decision making processes is slowly but surely erasing our  ability to ‘just commit’ and stick to it. This statement is not a judgement but a worrying fact. I am sure all of us did it before – say yes and then send the famous cancellation sms. I also know that there are many people who really want to make it to all the things they commit to. It becomes a time management issue and an issue of knowing one’s own limitations and abilities. Instant gratification also plays a role. If I have committed to meet with person A but the same morning person B calls and has this fantastic idea to do something, many people then tend to go with how they feel like – cancel with person A and go with person B.

So what are possible remedies to ‘commit-litis’?

Maybe we all should try to not rely too much on our cell phones but on our human connection and think about how a lack of commitment makes one feel. Maybe it is not so much the word ‘commitment’ but the opposite of it that will assist us in fighting this spreading disease.

It might help us as a warning signal the next time before saying so  loosely ‘yes’ or before sending the cancellation message. The opposite of commitment is ‘indifference’. So if someone commits and then sends the sms to cancel it shows a tiny bit of indifference towards the other person. 

What other remedies would you suggest? Maybe you can tell me...?

Reconnect

One of my New Year's resolution was to reconnect with friends and acquaintances that I have lost contact with. I have a lot of people that in certain periods of my life where close and added a lot of value but time and space did not allow to stay in close contact. 

I realised that I really enjoy it when one of them gets in touch with me. And even if it has been an eternity of not being in touch there is no remorse but happiness to hear from the person. Hence, I thought that I will some time this year to reconnect and instead of waiting that people get in touch with me, get in touch with those friends. I made a list of names and every Sunday throughout the year I try and write an email or a card to reconnect.

After almost two months I have to say the outcome is amazing. The great thing is that most of these friends found themselves in the same situation. The reason for not being in touch was just simply 'life'.

It is beautiful to hear people's life stories, what has shaken up their lives and what has changed and where they are now. It is nice to know that these friends still exist and that once you get talking things seem like 'back then'. It might happen that another year or two will go by until you chat again or maybe even see each other BUT the nice thing the contact has been refreshed.

So this is an encouragement - RECONNECT! Be in touch with an email, a call, a facebook note or skype greeting. I promise you it will make you feel good and you will not only feel reconnected with old friends but reconnected with the world.

Just a click away

The internet offers us information about any topic you can think of...and often it is so much that we can't decide what to look for.I love it when I get interesting links that other people recommend.

I thought instead of writing to you, this time I will just share a few links. Some of them are specific to the South African context but I am sure google will assist to find a similar site where ever you are in the world.

Linked to my last blog entry, here with the perfect link to some energising images:

http://imreallysad.com/

http://zenhabits.net/: a blog about finding simplicity in the daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on what’s important, create something amazing, find happiness.

It also happens to be one of the Top 25 blogs and Top 50 websites in the world, with about 237,000 readers, and is uncopyrighted. 

http://www.instincttoheal.org/ : 

This website is for people who suffer from depression and want to get assistance without medication.

http://www.mindfulness.org.za/
The name already has something beautiful to it. A not-for-profit organization committed to the practice, research and application of mindfulness. 

 
www.faithful-to-nature.co.za
A South African online shop with green products.