The following entry has bee written in compassion and empathy for all people suffering from depression. It's an encouragement to speak up and to know - you are not alone.

They say - I am sick.
They say - I am depressed.
Me
I am strong, I am not crazy
I am in control.
An illness telling me who I am?
Dictating how I have to live my life?
Never


I fight for the right to say
"I am not sick"
I fight
Every battle becomes tougher -
the wounds deeper
the loss bigger
the defeat more devastating


1.5 years later...
I wave the white flag - I give up.
I hand myself over
I lay silently like a defeated soldier
I open my eyes - no chains, no enemy
I am free
I am me/I am we


The peace agreement reads: Full acceptance of the depression has freed and liberated you! No more battles, if the principles of love, tolerance and kindness are applied for yourself
(August 2010)

Soap of my life

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Saturday morning after breakfast back in bed recovering from last night’s party, checking facebook and having some good laughs remembering funny things of last night ...I thought about the soap of my life.

When I watch soaps like ‘Sex and the City’, ‘Friends’ or some local soaps, I sometimes wish to be part of this happy, snappy and little bit chaotic lifestyle.

I realised, my life is the best movie/soap I can wish for and I am actually very, very thankful that I am so blessed.

Yes, it is true I don’t have a boyfriend/husband or a child. I don’t own a house or have money to plan my next overseas trip. I also don’t have the looks of a model or the money of a millionaire, but I often do not realise how much opportunity and blessing of experience I have almost daily.

I have an amazing female, single housemate. We get along brilliantly and have loads of fun together. I live in a cute house (for rent) in a very vibrant area. I have a car. I have access to my own internet and network – which enables me to connect with the world wherever I am.

 Recently, I started going to the local bar at the corner of my street and met interesting people, jazz artists, strangers, neighbours and learnt the most exotic stories.  

My family is not big and far from me but they are loving and caring and, even though I am always the one travelling all over, I still get parcels, gifts and postcards. I will be consulted about family matters. They are just gorgeous people.

Then, the city I live in offers so many activities - outdoor (mountains, ocean, beaches, flowers, wildlife) and cultural- which makes it often difficult to choose and I am blessed to be able to afford (at least for the first half of the month) to attend and do to things I am interested in.

I meet people from all over the world, soccer stars, jazz legends, apartheid struggle heroes, interesting characters and ordinary citizens with amazing stories.

I am healthy and can exercise outside or at the gym.

And men....even though this more often seems to be a topic of disappointment, it is also a very interesting one. Being single, free to do and experience what I wish to, I do. And I can share some hilarious stories. If it is about youngsters who, when finding out our age, get a worried look on their face saying ‘you should have a child and be married by now’ or old, old guys who seriously have a crush on us or gay/lesbian parties or spontaneous kissing after a night out or artists we meet and they end up on our couch because they don’t have a place to stay or an early morning visits by admirers when my teeth are not brushed and the PJ is still on and there is nothing you can do to hide ANY of what a good make up or a shower would do or or.  

When I am IN these moments, I might not always find them funny, but thinking about them the day after, I promise you it’s better than any soap I have ever watched.

I have girlfriends on the other side of the globe that still keep me entertained and involved in their interesting life stories of cheating boyfriends, having babies, break ups and make ups, moving places, new jobs and just getting on with life. I have an amazing therapist, or let’s say shrink, so that it sounds more like a soap, where I regularly spend my hour on the couch finding out about myself.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I have an interesting job where I can work in the field I am passionate about, with fascinating colleagues and the luxury to only work 80%. I have plenty of opportunity to care and help others and also advocate for the rights of not so privileged individuals.

Don’t get me wrong it is not only fun, but it is a great movie/soap to be a protagonist of and I am very, very thankful for every second I am experiencing and experienced.

Mama

Precious gift

Beautiful you

Strength

You were my Goddess who fell to earth

Recognised your humanness

Scared me

Angered me

Rejection

Turned around and found a world full of humans

Was looking for the Goddess - God

Scared I entered the world

Made my first steps

Started to fly

The world turned upside down -

And there she was among her selft-planted flowers

Blooming

Mama, there you are

Precious gift

Beautiful you

Strength

Thank you