I am adopting a child. I received
the official letter a few months ago that
I am on the waiting list for a child and
it might now be a matter of weeks until my daughter arrives. I am officially
paper-pregnant soon to become a single mom. I am trying to prepare myself but
from now on I might receive a call any day and within 3-5 days I will fetch my
child.
Being paper-pregnant I realised
that going through a real pregnancy does
not only offer the opportunity to prepare for 9 months, it is also nature’s way
of giving the new mom a clear sign – your life will change forever. You stop
drinking alcohol, reduce your caffeine intake, you are more tired than ever, and your body changes significantly. You
just can’t do the same things you were able to do before you fell pregnant (at
least in the last 4-5 months of the pregnancy). Your life changes during a
period of 9 months after which your life will once again significantly change.
Many women will think it is an
advantage not to have to go through those
changes when adopting a child; It might
have its advantages but I do believe it has its disadvantages too. Adopting a
child is a much more rational process. The whole adoption process requires not
only a mountain of administrative procedures but also many decisions about your child’s health, background and
features. You also don’t build a bond with something that is growing in your
body but rather constantly try to imagine
how it will be when you hold the child for the first time in your arms. How
many times will I look at her and wonder if she is mine? How long will it take until
I will feel that I am her mother? Someone said to me yesterday; it is probably how
men feel becoming fathers.
Another difference being
paper-pregnant is that you can make the choice any day to ‘switch it off’ to
withdraw your application. When you are pregnant, you come to accept that a
child will come at some point. You might have your doubts, but it becomes a fait
accompli. When I have doubts, I find
myself thinking to pick up the phone and just withdraw. Of course I won’t do it
because I prepared for it for a long time and thought about it carefully, but there
is the option, unlike in a real pregnancy, you can ‘cancel’ you subscription
any day.
Besides being paper-pregnant,
what I find much more mindboggling is
becoming a single mom. I had given it a lot of thoughts
before I even started the process. I don’t have too much doubt about my ability
to ‘organise’ my new life. Luckily, planning and organising is one of my greatest
talents. I am more concerned about the emotional shifts and changes. I have
lived my life on my own for the past more or less 17 years. It is a little bit
when people in their late 30s enter into a relationship. The issues that emerge
are often about compromise and letting someone into your independent life. Am I
ready to let someone permanently into my life? Someone that is 100% dependent
on me and that will need 24/7 attention and care?
Don’t get me wrong, I am looking
forward to becoming a mom. There are many moments when I imagine holding my
daughter in my arms and rocking her to sleep; admiring her and just looking at
her.
Becoming a parent is very scary
and having to go through everything in the mind and imagination, doesn’t make
it easier. In contrast to actually being pregnant
people cannot see it and look out for you. Being paper-pregnant means – it is
all happening in your head.
I am not writing this because I
am looking for sympathy but I thought sharing this would be interesting as many
people have asked me about the adoption.
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