The following entry has bee written in compassion and empathy for all people suffering from depression. It's an encouragement to speak up and to know - you are not alone.

They say - I am sick.
They say - I am depressed.
Me
I am strong, I am not crazy
I am in control.
An illness telling me who I am?
Dictating how I have to live my life?
Never


I fight for the right to say
"I am not sick"
I fight
Every battle becomes tougher -
the wounds deeper
the loss bigger
the defeat more devastating


1.5 years later...
I wave the white flag - I give up.
I hand myself over
I lay silently like a defeated soldier
I open my eyes - no chains, no enemy
I am free
I am me/I am we


The peace agreement reads: Full acceptance of the depression has freed and liberated you! No more battles, if the principles of love, tolerance and kindness are applied for yourself
(August 2010)

Soap of my life

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Saturday morning after breakfast back in bed recovering from last night’s party, checking facebook and having some good laughs remembering funny things of last night ...I thought about the soap of my life.

When I watch soaps like ‘Sex and the City’, ‘Friends’ or some local soaps, I sometimes wish to be part of this happy, snappy and little bit chaotic lifestyle.

I realised, my life is the best movie/soap I can wish for and I am actually very, very thankful that I am so blessed.

Yes, it is true I don’t have a boyfriend/husband or a child. I don’t own a house or have money to plan my next overseas trip. I also don’t have the looks of a model or the money of a millionaire, but I often do not realise how much opportunity and blessing of experience I have almost daily.

I have an amazing female, single housemate. We get along brilliantly and have loads of fun together. I live in a cute house (for rent) in a very vibrant area. I have a car. I have access to my own internet and network – which enables me to connect with the world wherever I am.

 Recently, I started going to the local bar at the corner of my street and met interesting people, jazz artists, strangers, neighbours and learnt the most exotic stories.  

My family is not big and far from me but they are loving and caring and, even though I am always the one travelling all over, I still get parcels, gifts and postcards. I will be consulted about family matters. They are just gorgeous people.

Then, the city I live in offers so many activities - outdoor (mountains, ocean, beaches, flowers, wildlife) and cultural- which makes it often difficult to choose and I am blessed to be able to afford (at least for the first half of the month) to attend and do to things I am interested in.

I meet people from all over the world, soccer stars, jazz legends, apartheid struggle heroes, interesting characters and ordinary citizens with amazing stories.

I am healthy and can exercise outside or at the gym.

And men....even though this more often seems to be a topic of disappointment, it is also a very interesting one. Being single, free to do and experience what I wish to, I do. And I can share some hilarious stories. If it is about youngsters who, when finding out our age, get a worried look on their face saying ‘you should have a child and be married by now’ or old, old guys who seriously have a crush on us or gay/lesbian parties or spontaneous kissing after a night out or artists we meet and they end up on our couch because they don’t have a place to stay or an early morning visits by admirers when my teeth are not brushed and the PJ is still on and there is nothing you can do to hide ANY of what a good make up or a shower would do or or.  

When I am IN these moments, I might not always find them funny, but thinking about them the day after, I promise you it’s better than any soap I have ever watched.

I have girlfriends on the other side of the globe that still keep me entertained and involved in their interesting life stories of cheating boyfriends, having babies, break ups and make ups, moving places, new jobs and just getting on with life. I have an amazing therapist, or let’s say shrink, so that it sounds more like a soap, where I regularly spend my hour on the couch finding out about myself.

Oh, and I almost forgot, I have an interesting job where I can work in the field I am passionate about, with fascinating colleagues and the luxury to only work 80%. I have plenty of opportunity to care and help others and also advocate for the rights of not so privileged individuals.

Don’t get me wrong it is not only fun, but it is a great movie/soap to be a protagonist of and I am very, very thankful for every second I am experiencing and experienced.

Mama

Precious gift

Beautiful you

Strength

You were my Goddess who fell to earth

Recognised your humanness

Scared me

Angered me

Rejection

Turned around and found a world full of humans

Was looking for the Goddess - God

Scared I entered the world

Made my first steps

Started to fly

The world turned upside down -

And there she was among her selft-planted flowers

Blooming

Mama, there you are

Precious gift

Beautiful you

Strength

Thank you

Rely on your friends

This entry will not only apply to women but is probably a general statement. I want to emphasise the importance of relying on our friends, family and social networks as much as we can.

All of us experience hard ship in some way and the other and we often too polite, too afraid, too down, too...to actually ask people for help and support. On the other hand we all know that listening and supporting a friend is very rewarding and we mostly do it with pleasure to go out of our way to be able to do something for another person. We normally don't mind. 

But why do we then mind to ask for it from a friend? I think it is very human to be scared and to be afraid to show one's weaknesses. In the end of the day, politeness or 'not wanting to burden' someone else, does not help anyone. It doesn't give the friend a chance to be a friend and it doesn't give oneself the support and helping hand required.

So let's all do our best to get over our own self a bit and do what friends are therefore - rely on each other!

Sometimes

Sometimes to love someone, means to let him go.Sometimes to love means to get hurt. Sometimes to love means you feel very alone. Sometimes there are rainy days and tears are just running down your face because you love....

The beauty or the beast

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Have you ever experienced a situation where a guy felt more attracted to you when you were 'a beast'? When you were playing hard, totally disinterested, didn’t call? Wasn’t that the time when you got most attention from the guy?

I have seen men going wild on this. Yes, I do know that one feels more attracted to something you can’t have. The game of ‘catch and hunt’ – the similarity to cattish behavior just gets guys going. In addition, women themselves give each other the advise ‘don’t call him and he will’ or ‘be strong and just show him the cold shoulder and you will see how he will come back to you’.

Sadly, most of the times, the friends are right. It works.

But honestly, there are times, when you just want to be able to call, to ask, to be who you are. Why does it always have to be a game? Are we not good enough as the women that we are?

Playing games is fun – but playing is more fun, when you choose to but not when it becomes a strategy to be liked. It’s sad when the game has to become you, because the real you is out of fashion.

So, it’s on to you to decide if you want to be the beauty or the beast.

Alice in Wonderland

I went to watch 3D version of Alice in Wonderland.
I wish that all women would remain and be a bit like Alice. Pursue your dreams, nurture the child in you and enjoy all colours and shapes that life has to offer. Let your self fall into a rabbit hole from time to time and just give yourself space to be!!

The modern man

I have spent many hours of my life discussing a very interesting topic – men. I have heard complaints and praises about guys; I have listened to the good guy – bad guy stories, I have had plenty of discussions about the difference between men and women and their different needs; I debated if women are discriminated or discriminate themselves; These discussions took place in many parts of the world among women of different cultures.

I came to the conclusion that there are many differences between men and women, but I am still unable to define it clearly (besides the biological). I don’t like it that this topic often turns into an arrogant talk about the ‘bad sides’ of guys and the superiority of the female race (I know that this topic has been discussed differently in different cultures and countries, age and income groups.) However, from my life perspective I would like to comment on this topic without offending anyone of different believe or background.
I really would like to understand men better and that brought me to the topic ‘What is the modern man all about?’

I think there are plenty of forums where women’s needs, feelings and thoughts are discussed, debated and exchanged but (at least in my life) fora improving the understanding of each other - among men and women- are rare.
We know about the challenges working women face, how difficult it is to be a single mom, what it means to be a women in a men’s world, how to embrace being a women. There a many advisory websites, blogs, books and groups that support women how to overcome their challenges. It is great and I hope that there is something for everyone in it.

But what do men do? I had a couple of male friends who find it really challenging to find their role in the modern world, the role in current relationships and in the epoch of the empowerment of women. In addition to those challenges, I met plenty of guys in their 30s ending relationships stating ‘I first have to find myself’, ‘I have to figure out who I am and what I want in life’ or ‘I am not ready for a relationship yet’

I initially got angry and said to myself ‘if you haven’t figured it out yet, it is about time’ and ‘I don’t believe you have to be a ‘ready’ and a perfect person before you can live your life with someone'.
I came to the conclusion that it might have to do with the ‘modern times’ or the 21st century that does not seem to cater for men issues. Yes, there is plenty of information out there about cars, the latest electronic gadgets or sexy models but I do believe that most men have much more needs then the superficial themes that is offered for them….

This is a plea to men to assist men, to talk about the important and things in life…from men to men. I believe if more of those talks start to happen, it will help the female world a great deal to understand and learn what men are about. I think, then, gender forums can start to exchange what males and females can learn form each other, and to finally be able to communicate more effectively.

Young, single, professional female above 28 is looking for…?

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Back in the world of ‘single-hood’, I started asking myself, why does it seem so difficult to find Mr. Right for some and for others not? What are we looking for and what is on offer?

It is one of the trickiest questions where and how to find the right match. Those once who have found their significant other will usually share their wisdom such as ‘Mr. Right is out there, just keep on looking’ or something like ‘Just try NOT to look out for someone and you will see he will come’; ‘when you less expect it, you will find him’ or ‘you still young, you will find someone easily’ etc. etc.

Single ladies normally come together in sympathy for each other with phrases like: ‘xyz settled down just because she was desperate, I am happy that I am still waiting’ or ‘being single is the greatest thing in life, you can enjoy and be totally independent. I don’t have to compromise for nothing’

I think in all of it lies some truth but also some ways of consoling single women who are desperate.

Does desperation itself lead to making wrong choices? Do we really settle for less and are we therefore less successful maintaining a relationship? How can one keep up the morale, the willingness to take the risk of opening up and falling in love, and not move between the extremes of being an outgoing happy single and depressed, de-motivated single?

I think the most important thing is a balanced circle of friends that keep you sane,- singles and couples. Using the advantages of single-hood to be able to do many things, travel, explore, be outgoing, but also rely on what you have. I think in the fewest cases it has something to do with anyone’s personality rather then with the environment. I believe we are all beautiful and powerful beings and our nature will allow us to find Mr. Right. On those days when you loosing hope, do not hang out alone, find your friends, do something fun and be reminded that you are the most gorgeous person in your life, the main actor of your 'life-movie'.

Change is good...

Lots of things have changed in my life: changed jobs, changed from having a boyfriend to being single again, changed my attitude towards life, the year changed to a new one, changed my hairlength,...
Therefore, I thought, I should change the name of this blog as well. Considering that most of my readers are not Capetonians, I thought that maybe more women would feel encouraged to write and share on this blog.

So, let's see a name change will also be able to change your contributions to this blog!